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After lunch was over all the k**s went back to the attic and this time I was playing with my cousins Sarah (one of Johns’ step-sisters), Margret, and Cassie. We were trying to figure out if we could put on a play for the adults and we were on the bed. Then John comes in looks at me and grabs the blanket. He then says to everyone “hey guys I got a new game it’s called Ghost Zone. I am the ghost king and I hide under this blanket you all have to start at level 1 which is this other blanket and you have to work your way up to my level and defeat me there are 10 levels and I will be right here.” He then tackles me with the blanket and as he does so lads so his face is in my chest. Everyone laugh thinking it’s just John being silly. As I try and move he grabs my wrist and says “and marry is the queen and will be under this blanket with me. The girls face her and the guys face me. Ready?” surprisingly most of them wanted to play this made up game and the ones that didn’t just watched TV.. “Why are you sad, Daddy?” she asked in that quiet but clear voice of hers.I brushed her off by telling her I wasn’t sad but I was merely tired from a hard day at work. Telling the girls that I’m going to therapy, and explaining the reasons why, is not a conversation I want to have right now. Maybe, when they’re older, I’ll be able to tell them about it.Bec didn’t challenge my response but I don’t think she believed it. Sometimes Bec can see straight through me and that can be unnerving – she’s six years old, for heaven’s sake. Seconds later she was sitting in my lap and hugging me. Immediately I felt the panic start to surge through me. I lifted her off me and set her down on the floor beside me, giving her the old lie about how she’s too heavy to be climbing all over me. Isn’t that enough of a reason to need therapy? I can’t even get a hug from my daughter without panicking. That’s pathetic. And as the girls have been getting older, it’s been getting worse instead of better.Bec clung.
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