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To be referred to as a friend. Even if it was just afledgling relationship. I'd never needed friends before. But I was sofragile now. So different. So seemingly dependant on others."I'd like to meet Marty," I say. Not specifically responding to herthought, but affirming it nonetheless."And I'd like to meet Kevin," she responds in kind. "How convenient ourrosters are identical. Let's say Friday after our boys have done their 9to 5 working weeks. My place for dinner?"***Thoughts of friends and dinner dates drifted through my head as I wiledaway at work. It kind of helped distract me at one particular point whenI was prising a large lady's legs apart whilst Tracey tunnelled awaytrying to insert a urinary catheter.This was yet another medical peculiarity. A lifetime ago when AlexTurner was an intern he became proficient at inserting urinary cathetersin males. No one showed me, back then. Although it was kind ofintuitive. Sticking the tube down the hole wasn't exactly challenging.Yet that. Then… darkness. Nothing. A depthless expanse that I had been a part of, and not a part of. A part of nothing seemed contradictory, but it was what I’d been. I didn’t experience it, or perceive it, or even notice it at all, but I felt it now. Nothing. The horror of it was still so fresh, and yet, like a dream that had been so vivid a moment ago, it was fading. Gone. Nothing. I had known it, but I could not recall it anymore.“But I will know it again,” I whispered into the night. “that horror. Like a lost memory, it will come to me before the end, and I will be petrified by it.” I closed my eyes, and tears streamed down my face, “I would face a thousand years of torture just to delay the end. Oh god…” But there had been no god to greet me. Or perhaps there had been. Perhaps that nothing was God, the indifferent end of existence, a name for something that was no longer. God. Nothing.I would’ve given anything that night just to have someone hold me, but I was alone in Lady Jonias’s.
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