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My God, the memories of what I said to him the last night I was with that Brian haunt me day and night. I can’t sleep without hearing those awful words again. I don’t deserve a man like Mark. He’s right to have pushed me away the way he has. ******** I can’t explain how those long months when I was seeing Brian seem so unreal to me. It was as if I had pillows for shoes–the ground didn’t feel solid under my feet, except that…at the same time, in my head, I saw me walking down the edge of an endless razor blade. It was like if I made the slightest misstep, I would cut my feet to ribbons…and I would fall…and then I would die. That was how I saw my life. How do I explain the fog that filled my mind for so long? I couldn’t think. I couldn’t reason. When Mark talked to me, all I heard were incomprehensible sounds that were lost in the screeching noises already filling me. I wanted to hear him but I could not. It’s so very hard to remember the things I did. I try, I need to comprehend. The more I knewabout this deeply intellectual man, the more I loved him. There weredepths to him that at a casual glance, he would seem rather shallow. Hewasn't uneducated, rather the opposite. He did graduate high school butbeing browbeat a lot because of his size caused him to affect the clippedspeech he spoke with. I think with time, I could help his self esteemboost to the point where he wouldn't feel so self conscious abouthimself. We talked about numerous things that could affect our future together. Wetalked about the past for each of us. Some of the things he told me abouthimself brought tears to my eyes. How my heart ached from the pain theman had suffered at the hands of his so-called peers. Unmercifully teasedat the age of 12 when he was already 6'-6" tall. Losing his father at thetender age of 6 and his mother at 14. The things he suffered were morethan most people could deal with without breaking. This giant of a manhad an inner strength that was shining more and more to.
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