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"JOE!" We looked toward the thunderclap and saw a brown mountain running us down. He grabbed me in a bear hug and lifted me into the air. The hug whooshed the air out of my lungs. He dropped me and yelled, "Where you been, man?" The fucking Navy keeps me busy man." Who are your friends?"I introduced everyone to him and gave him the keg. He called over two smaller mountains and they put the keg with the others on the ice."Join us for the luau." He swept his arms out to include all of us."Kenny, what's the occasion?" It's my daughter's second birthday." Congratulations. Where is she?" She's over on in the playground with the other kids."Jenny whispered to me, "All this for a two-year-old kid's birthday." Jenny, these people take family and celebrations seriously." It looks like it. I think my second birthday party was at Denny's"I laughed. "Well your parents probably weren't just looking for a reason to have a party."Later that eveningJenny, Hanna, and I lay back on the sand and tried. Kickingand screaming is just overkill."Think, brain." My brain decides that I subconsciously effected changeswhile I was sleeping, like blonder hair and bigger breasts. Clearly Ihave some kind of control over my form that I've been unable toconsciously access. Then again, have I tried?I shut my eyes and become Luke Skywalker, hanging upside down in theWampa cave on Hoth. I picture my arms and legs getting longer until Ican reach the ground. I visualize the long legged ladies of theeighties: Geena Davis, Sigourney Weaver, Darryl Hannah. Tall enough toreach the ground and to spare.I open my eyes. Not taller. Still about three feet from the ground.Boobs as big and round and bouncy as ever.Fine. I shut my eyes again and picture the muscle tone on my arms andlegs building and growing until I have the physique of a professionalmountain climber.I open my eyes. No muscles. Still as puny.Here's what I eventually do: swing back and forth until I have a bunchof momentum, then pull my legs up.
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