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A few weeks ago she, ... I, I seem to be under some kind of spell. I can't get her out of my thoughts and I don't know why I am so obsessed with her. I have been giving her money, but I don't remember when or how. I know I am spending all my time with her, but I don't remember everything that we do together..."The tone of my speech became more anxious, tense, and just a little short of hysterical, as I proceeded. I had not realized myself how distraught I had become about this situation. "David, David. Calm down." Dr. Roth interrupted. "You are far too worked up. Do you feel nervous about putting yourself in the hands of a woman psychologist? A Black woman?" Oh, no," I said, too hastily"Then lie down on the couch," she smiled reassuringly, "and we'll get started." All right," I agreed hesitantly. She brought her chair out from behind her desk and set it next to the couch. She moved to the wall switch and dimmed the lights, then returned to her chair beside the couch. A projector. A complete year of abstinence has followed. Enforced abstinence. Inability to perform, abstinence. However, in the time span of two weeks, I had blown a fag, and then been brutally corn holed by the same fag. Two weeks later, I have the video proof. How does anyone make this journey? I finger the brown bottle. I have done more research on this shit. Amyl nitrate. Poppers. Joy Juice. Brown Betty. Whatever. A blood thinner. An illegal blood thinner. It thins your blood, makes you feel light headed and relaxes your muscles. Big deal. It doesnt cause erections, or maintain erections, or buckle your knees, or make you pour sweat, or make you suck cock, or kiss men. What is causing all of this to happen? Do I want to contemplate the possible answers? Why am I wearing leather pants and stomping boots as I get ready to watch my own degradation? Will I get some sort of satisfaction or thrill out of watching? Will I pretend it is someone else getting debased? Will I pretend it is me on top,.
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