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She said something about killing herself – and then ran away. I’ve been searching for her for two days now, and with each passing moment I become more and more depressed, scared, and anxious. We’d grown so close over these past two months…I’d go as far as to say that we’re best friends. Who, you know, have sex. A lot. And her saying that she wants to kill herself, and then dropping off the radar…it terrifies me. I haven’t slept since she left – only small naps. I’ve barely eaten – only a quick breakfast yesterday and a few snacks – and I sprained my ankle chasing her down the first day. And my legs ache, so much…and now they’ve given out, and I’m left leaning against the wall of an alley as I struggle to retain consciousness. ‘Nightwing,’ I breathe, hoping the intonation will find her. I’m desperate now – if she kills herself… I sigh to myself as I slide down the wall, hugging my knees to my chest. Times like these are when I wonder why I care about her so much. I mean…I just don’t. The feelings intensified as he grew older, especially during his teen years, when Ryan watched with envy as those same girls developed into attractive young women.Oh, how he wished to be able to wear those clothes and makeup. How he wished he had breasts and a vagina. Each night he would go to bed and pray for divine intervention, to somehow awake in the female body he felt he belonged in. But, his prayers went unanswered and Ryan tried to manage in a world where he felt all alone.Cross-dressing relieved some of his unhappiness. By slipping into his mother's dress and heels, by applying her lipstick, he was able to escape his tortured reality, albeit briefly. After all, what was the point of wearing a bra if you didn't have breasts to put in one? One day, he caught an episode of "Geraldo" where the guests were all attractive women who had once been men. They were called transsexuals, he learned, and suddenly, he didn't seem quite so alone. But soon, Ryan's life took another twisted.
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