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So I lay across Mama's lap and got her nipple in my mouth and she put theshawl over my head and her shoulder. Even though I didn't feel so bad about Greg and stuff, it was still realnice. And I heard Greg's mom tell him to hush when they got back, but Ididn't care if he knew I did this because I hadn't done it long enoughyet to feel all warm inside. And I heard his mother whisper, "It wasn'tthat long ago that you did that, honey. Do you remember?" And I heardGreg say, "Uh huh."Then he sat down next to me and I felt him pat my arm, and that was OKtoo. Then he put his hand on my dress, and then I felt him grab my tubeagain, only not hard this time, but it took me by surprise, and I sat upreal fast and said, "Hey!!"And Greg blushed again, and mumbled "Na - uumm - ah - sorry. Just wantedto see if you still had it, because you look so nice like that." And heobviously knew that was a silly thing to think that I didn't in only afew days, and I smiled and leaned back on to Mama's arm, but. I wonder, if that feeling were suddenly fully present and sustained in my life, would it devour me? Would I disappear? Would I combust, and like the Phoenix, reawaken with a flame that didn’t fall to earth in a fiery blaze? Would my soul be able to expand to take it all in? Could I change the world? Am I doomed to only feel loved when the stars are out? Just last year, I finally had opportunity to see Jack again in person, and spend some time talking to him one-on-one. I was surprised when he chose to talk about our unrequited feelings. I listened carefully as he described his life in a loveless marriage. My heart goes out to him. I have been in loveless relationships, in wrong relationships. Always, the wrong ones were with men who couldn’t be bothered to look towards the heavens with me for more than a brief moment. I think it says something of my expectations- perhaps I want no less than a man willing to face the Creator head-on. Are people like us set up for disappointment, I.
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