And i wonder if i ever will. More time passes. He is just sitting there. i am acutely aware of His presence. i am still wishing there was a rock to crawl under when He finally says, "Turn around." i comply, keeping my head bowed. i am afraid of what i will see in His eyes, and am reluctant to show my face. "Kneel," He says. i comply. as i knew He would, He commands me to look at him, and i do. He just sits there for a minute or two, an eternity, looking at me, at my face, my eyes. And though i was reluctant to look at Him minutes ago, now i find i couldn't drag my eyes from His even if He permitted me. W/we regard each other for several more minutes, and 2 thoughts pass through my mind. One, i love to look at Him, to see His face, His eyes... and Two, i wonder if this will be the last time i will have the opportunity to do so, so i don't want to miss any of it. He quietly asks me why i did not meet Him for lunch or at least call. my answer is that i panicked in fear and wasn't. It used to make me feel dirty and stuff but i still masturbated. I had reached my class 12th but i still wasnt able to watch porn. My friend used to reply i react like girls do. I even had a gf but we also broke up because i wasnt manly enough to take her side or stand for even myself. I had lots of friends but no one actually knew me. So i got a little depressed. I used to browse the net a lot and started reading about gay people and stuff. I used to find it creepy so i wanted to know why do people become gay. By reading their stories i came to know they are actually people like me who got support and love from the same sex. This thing was a life changer for me and i started to think now to get a guy for me but still i was unsure.I knew how guys are so i also didnt like them much but i had a good friend names Harsh. He was quite supportive of me but i rarely shared my feeling with him. One fine day i was a little disappointed with a friend so Harsh backed me, supported me and got me.
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