In November, Kat switches to riding the trails or along the property line. She says the salted roads aren't good for Light's feet. I'm sure she's right, but I don't like losing sight of her anymore. Not since she started playing with Joshua.I think about how I found them together often. It both disgusts and excites me to think of her with a man -- with another man. A man who isn't me.I can see them together during those moments in the shower. Katherine's back arched in a perfect bridge from his pelvis to his chin. The way her breasts shook under his hands.I didn't fire Joshua. I didn't say anything. Kat knows better than to tell me about him, but sometimes I wish that she would. I'd like him to eat at my table, thinking I know nothing about their exploits. He'd tell me how he doesn't want anything improper -- I'd make him tell me that. He'd tell me he aims to marry her. But I'd know all along where they've been. I know what they look like together.I could lie awake at night knowing. I could feel the fresh breeze off the river as I walked toward the Common. I was breathing more normally now. The worst was over, I thought. I had said everything I wanted to say. I had held back everything I didn't want to say. I dangled hope in front of her, but with little room for negotiation.There was nothing pleasant or elevating about what I had just done. I had pummeled her with my words as surely as if I had used my fists. I could see the effect of my blows. After a while, she had simply absorbed them as I delivered. There was no sign of fight on her part.I should have felt better. I should have felt relieved, possibly even elated. I didn't. I did what I thought was necessary to shock my wife into thinking about us. Our marriage. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved.
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