My timing is off … my responses not instantaneous. I used to be able to read his mind and know what he was thinking without question. Now I find myself stumbling for words and quick responses to his questions. I doubt my answers, hoping they are what he is looking for when I used to just know. Just last night he said, “You’re too emotional, relax slut” but those words alone were enough to send a fresh stream of tears down my cheeks. He knows me, inside and out, through and through, as if no time has passed between us and I ache to belong to him again. In my heart, I know that I never stopped belonging to him … that even in his absence, he was here with me. But I still long to proudly wear his steel again, to have that something that I can reach up and grab a hold of and be reminded in some small, self-absorbed way of being able to physically be reassured that I am, indeed, his. I think of the things he has noticed and pointed out to me already, small changes that I hadn’t really. You make that sound like it's quite normal." Well, it seemed normal at the time. I liked him. He used to pay me a lot of attention. He used to listen to me. You weren't there, so it was good to have someone to talk to like that. He really cared about me!" I am upset now."Oh Baby, I know. It's my fault I wasn't there. But it wasn't my choice. You do know that? The courts ruled that you had to live with your mom. I would have been there for you. I would have done." Dad is upset now too. His anger subsides."I know, Daddy. I know you wanted to be there, but Mr. Johnson was. He was a good friend. He listened to my problems at home, with boyfriends, and he didn't judge me." I understand that. What I don't understand, is how you ended up having sex with him?" he says.So I explain.------------------------------------------------It happened over the summer. He would pick the three of us up from cheerleading, then drive us back to their house. I used to have something to eat with them as Mom.
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