You know, feeling it is something that came later. I think feeling implies something conscious. Making the connection is subconscious.aroslav: Have you noticed that sometimes you talk like someone much older?TONY: Oh. You mean I'm pretentious?aroslav: That's not what I meant...TONY: I suppose I am. It was almost a game when Dumpling and I started talking with a real vocabulary instead of grunts. It's her fault. She's got a vocabulary like you wouldn't believe. She made me use mine. We'd sit in the loft and I'd say, "Shit!" and she'd say, "What does that mean, Tony?" Of course, it wasn't enough to give a definition and say "excrement." She wanted to know what I meant when I said it. It didn't stop me from using common swear words, but when I was talking to her, she made me explain what I was thinking when I said them.aroslav: Was it hard growing up in Nebraska for an artist?TONY: Nebraska has a lot of fine artists.aroslav: Like?TONY: Joyce Ballantyne.aroslav:???TONY: Okay. I can tell. She said she wanted to fuck Neil again. Just like that, she dropped the whole thing about only doing it for me. She had made the switch to thinking about her own pleasure as being the goal, from just one experience of it! This change in her was so exciting to me. It was amazing how she had changed so fast to just wanting to be able to fuck other men whenever she wanted! Oh my god, all my dreams were coming true!My head was buzzing with these thoughts. I had imagined her having some sort of post-coital remorse, even tears, saying that it was all a big mistake or that she should not have given in to my pressure or some such thing. Instead, it is like she has had a light-bulb moment, a sexual revolution, a personal transformation.I fucked her from on top as we talked about this through heavy breathing. She was so beautiful in that moment, freshly fucked by another man (her first in 18 years), her hair messily arrayed around her on the pillow, her make-up still on and smudged despite her.
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