Tony and I had just started to talk about having our own family, now that his career had taken off. I was still certain I loved him, and would, perhaps, for the rest of my life. But between the two men, Ron was by far the most fantastic lover I’d ever known. Tony’s body was just not Ron’s. And somehow Ron’s personality, his demeanor, his… aura, it all put him at a level above Tony. Emotionally, Tony was my ideal. He was always there, always ready to listen, to support, to just be there. I was always there for him, as well, to let him vent off steam, to hear of his triumphs, and to hear of his complaints. To listen to his heart. Ron, however, was making me his submissive, his slave, and what I needed wasn’t as important as his needs. But his needs were mainly physical, and to that end, his needs to be relieved of pent-up frustrations with my body were my gain as well. I could tell when he had a bad day, or things had filled him with anger. Ron would take a different. I chuck it away and puff steam out of my mouth instead, wrapping drenched skin around myself. I hear the rain on him when he approaches, sighs and sits beside me. ‘I’m so sorry for fucking this up, Ella,’ he tells me and I hear the regret like a weight. I remember licking green popsicle juice from my chin, sitting on my parents’ porch swing, waiting for the moment we could run through the sprinkler and scream to make the mean neighbours scowl and the nice ones smile and recall their youth. ‘Who said you fucked anything up, Ben?’ I ask and this time look at him, at his eyes under wet hair and eyelashes. And then I do know. I didn’t need that first kiss to know, or this week of torture. I just needed this look he was giving me now. Eyes squinting against something he can’t bear, looking like he hasn’t slept in a week, and yet still looking at me because I’m what he wants to look at. Even soaking in the rain. ‘I don’t think I know how to be around you anymore, Ella,’ he admits and his.
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