A waste. A total waste.Later, much later, she was still alone. Alone and lonely. Miserable. Unloved. Unlovable. In her mid-forties still a virgin, and not by choice. No man would have her, it seemed. For that matter, she could hardly bear her own company. "I love you ... ha, ha, HA!"Then, in the depths of despair and self-hatred, the realization struck her. Someone once had professed love for her ... even if it had been a malicious lie. Arlene, in the guise of Val, had spoken words of love. That was enough. There had to be a certain compelling logic in I love you that transcended the boundaries of intention. It was a magic powerful enough to break down barriers and open floodgates.Let's assume that part of the problem is my perception of myself. I am nothing without the approval of others. Nothing.What's the mirror image of that? I am myself, and sufficient unto myself. I need no one and nothing.Go a step further. Arlene (that little shit!) gave me the key. She was only the first of. "She has some issues," Meredith said."Don't we all," Barbara sighed. Once they got home, Tina walked Meredithover to her house."It's gotta be Steve," Meredith said. "He's gone away to college. She'sdown. I know how she feels, with Karen being gone. I just wish she'dtalk about it." You know there are some things she can't talk about."Meredith looked up at her. Each was aware that the other knew Alyssa'spainful secret, but they had never openly talked about it."Yeah, but this ain't about that. That was years ago."Now, Tina grew quiet."Look," Meredith said, "I know that you and Alyssa are close in aspecial way. I'm not jealous. If you can get into her head about this,I'm all for it. I love her, too."Tina was sure that there was more to Alyssa's depression than justmissing Steve."I think something went wrong before he left. Maybe Jeremy had somethingto do with it, maybe not. I do know that anytime Alyssa has a datingrelationship end, she takes it really badly, like there's somethingwrong.
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