His body and two empty bottlesof whisky were in the car.The ride back home, the funeral, everything was a blur. The awfulfeeling of guilt was making me miserable. The guilt of not talking todad, of not trying to understand him when it was still possible. And itonly becomes worse when his will was announced. I got everything: thehouse, the business and all the money. I didn't understand what itmeans at the time, did he loved me after all?*****The family reunion was as awkward as it can be. We sat there insilence, barely looking at each other. Gleb's forehead was covered witha big piece of a band-aid. He noticed me looking."I hurt myself," Gleb said, not looking at me."You hurt yourself?" Yes." He paused before continuing. "I'm to blame. Dad was drinkingbecause of me." Why?" We weren't getting along. You weren't there..." He stopped to talk,took a deep breath and then continued without looking at me. "Daddemanded that I will go to therapy again. Then the therapist concludedthat my bad. I knew I wanted something but wasn’t sure what it was.When He found me, I was naive, inexperienced, and lost...but He saw something in me. He knew I longed for something and He knew this longing would serve Him well. I was an alpha female, raised in family full of headstrong women and docile men. I was aggressive, demanding, and decisive. Yet, soon after I met Him, I found myself submitting by choice. I looked to Him for guidance and correction. I wanted Him to tell me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. More than anything, I wanted to serve Him. And I loved every moment of it. I would think to myself, “This is not who I am. This is not how I was raised.” Catholic school, straight A’s, rule-follower...on paper, it didn’t seem right. But none of that mattered. This “new me” made me feel comfortable in my own skin for once. I had always felt like I was missing something in my life and I was now learning what that was. He owned me and punished me. I often battled myself - I.
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