I needed to stop this. Pulling random things from the real world intomy idealized one. I would never get better until I ceased doing that.*******In my next session with Dr Black I confessed how I was still lettingsuch influences distort my recovery.For the first time in our 6 days of therapy his face darkened in mypresence.He wanted to know all about what Tim had said and why, even dragginghim in to ask him directly.But the big doses of Olanzapine had kicked in and Tim, now extremelysedate and muted, appeared to have no recollection of saying any of thethings he had; and further seemed very unclear as to whether he evenrecalled meeting me at all.It made me anxious to see Dr Black agitated and upset with me. I hatedthat I had done that. I needed to redouble my efforts.I was determined to prove to him that I realized the truth. That Ireally was Alexandra Ward, child abuse survivor. (Which is probably amisnomer, as no one ever really 'survives' child abuse. Not undamagedin any case.. At one point in my early to mid twenties, without keeping score, I was concurrently sleeping with at least four women, all good friends of mine of whom two were married (not to me) and two single. They all knew each other; I believe they had coffee and compared notes once a week; there were no secrets except with the husbands and with the people I was working for and with (why them for another time). In my late twenties one of these married ladies got divorced and I ended up in my own first marriage with her. They had all decided behind my back that she was the best candidate to not rock the boat. It was about this time I discovered that I, and seemingly all women, had totally different expectations about their relationships with me. By then I needed marriage so I could settle down into a faithful monogamous relationship and stabilise my life, what had been up till then, a badly organised orgy. I'd spent all my younger years travelling the country by foot, road, rail and air, finding.
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