When there is no marker of time, one starts to lose their selves, imagine what is not there, to hear the one thing they come to anticipate single-mindedly. The association between Pavlov’s dog, the tuning fork and food proved a more perverse aspect of the psyche – cruel anticipation of the little chime. Even more perverse since your chime only means fresh pain, which, by this time, is not even half-reward for the almost broken creature at your whim. Your voice brings constant fear, fresh tears and a primal, stupid lust. The only real marker of reality, the last vestige of the mind’s connection to the body of the creature, now almost abjectly object, animal, property is in her movement. There is no part of my body that is not physically, palpably hurting, aching dully or stinging with pain without reprieve. The endorphins have long worn off – a frustrating paradox. What is now pain that I want direly to escape was precisely what was integral in bringing about the incredible rush. I pretend sometimes that I'm her, and doing all the things that she does. That really makes me hot, like that time we were at Debbie's. You saw how hot I got." She was blushing, not able to lift her head and even look at me while she made, what I'm sure she believed was, her confession. "I don't know why, but I think about you and Debbie, and that day, all the time now." What would happen if you and I just did what Debbie and I did?" I think I expected her to say that she was hoping that I'd want to do that, and the idea of me doing it to her was what really turned her on."That isn't what I want. I want to see you and Debbie again. Just like before. Only, maybe this time, when you're done with Debbie, you could do me with your mouth too? Not the other thing though, just with your mouth." I knew what I was going to say. Perhaps it was that same unexplainable impulse that I'd had that day with my father, after he had slapped me for calling Jimmy an asshole. I knew that what I was going.
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