We hadn't discussed her lack of sex drive, beyond the fact that she didn't have one, and attempts to talk about it led nowhere.Rebecca started to feel less interested in her life shortly after Millicent was born. For a long time I suspected it was jealousy after her insisting we include Winnie in our bed, but apparently that was not it, because Rebecca would play with Winnie and Collen off and on. Recently, however, she's been passing on joining them.If it was chemical I wanted to get to the bottom of it. If her problem was medical, I wanted to find out how, why, and what to do about it. Rebecca wanted to let it slide for a while and see if it went away on its own. I was afraid she would opt to go away, instead of getting her problem to go away. Lots of relationships fail to survive the stresses of childbirth, and we had two, plus a new woman in our lives, so the potential for distress between us was much greater. Her rejection hurt, but I kept my pain off my face, and out of my. Then for the next day and a half I was wracked with the knowledgethat Ilona would be disappointed in me. I tried another masturbationearly before my next session with a similar result. Just more guilt andshame. Not for having masturbated but for letting Ilona down."Oh my poor baby," she cooed when I came in. She could tell just from mydemeanor. "If I weren't your therapist I would give you a hug. Sit downand tell me about it. It's okay. Really it's okay."The way she was treating me was just making it worse. I didn't cry but Ifelt like I wanted to.But we did talk and I began to feel better. Nearing what I thought wouldbe the end of the session, when I was actually feeling pretty good aboutmyself, she told me to remove my pants and masturbate again. I was lessshocked this time and I got off a bit faster, but still it was hard todo. It kinda helped that while she was patiently watching me do it shedistractedly unbuttoned the collar of her blouse, I assume because it hadbecome warmer in.
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