I couldn't face the possibilities of her disappointment in me. As it turns out, I never did find the courage to tell her.It all goes back to the question of maintaining "face". After having been so universally disregarded and despised, and then having had things somewhat better when I'd reached adulthood, maintaining people's regard for me became all-important. I couldn't face the possibility of going back to that place where everyone thought I was kind of strange.It took me a long time to get over that. Long time? Yeah. I came out to a few people, privately, in the late 1980's. In the early 90's I got involved with a gender program in Milwaukee, went through all the sessions and groups and testing, and finally had a firm diagnosis (which, of course, only confirmed what I'd known all along).I was married at the time, something that in hindsight was a mistake. I was in love with her and she with me, but we both had issues, and in the late 90's things fell apart. Yes, she knew about my. It was still pop-trash, but he had to grin at the lyrics. By the time it got to the chorus he was laughing. He looked over and Rayne was watching him through half open eyes, one brow arched slightly. For some reason that struck Xavier as even funnier and he laughed harder. Rayne wrinkled his nose sleepily and closed his eyes again. ‘If you like that you should check out what Lady Warren’s plugged in to!’ the vampire muttered, nodding across the pool to where the ageing gay lothario was shamelessly checking out all the rippling flesh in Aldo’s pool from his own lounger. Still grinning Xavier set the mp3 player down and went over to Dominic. Sitting down on the edge of his sun-bed he asked him what he was listening to. Dominic handed over the headphones, but Xav thought he sensed a hint of reluctance from the older man. He put them on and tuned in for a minute, his lips starting to twitch, and then he laughed out loud. Dom Warren gave him the look he usually got on his face right.
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