Her alarm woke her up about the time she would have to be getting readyfor school. If it was a school day. Muttering darkly about the hour,she threw on a robe and went down to the kitchen. After a bowl ofbreakfast, and wishing her parents a good day at work, she went back toher room and back to sleep. When she woke up again, she wasn't sure whether she had dreamed aboutgoing downstairs. She shrugged, deciding it didn't really matter. Shechose to enjoy the luxury of a day without work, school, appointments(other than meeting her friends), or dinner plans. She took care of her morning routine, skipping the makeup, and dressedcomfortably in jeans and one of her old shirts. Sneakers and socks, andshe was ready to go. Or not. She didn't really have anywhere to go. It was too early for thepool, which opened at noon. She realized that she had all but forgottenhow to kick back and relax. She made herself a snack, then turned on the tube. Nothing caught herinterest, so she went up and used. I needed to prove this wasn't some fucking sick dream, some sick fucking perversion of reality. I needed to know this was real and I wasn't lying somewhere, in a coma or worse, dying, and this was some last gasp of my brain."AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" I screamed – but that was all in my head. My mouth opened, but wouldn't work. Nothing was working. My hands were clenched along the railing but I was doing no damage, making no mark. It was all hopeless and futile and...I sagged to my knees, my hands still clutching that railing. I felt ... wasted. Empty. Alone. I looked up at the sky, but I didn't really see anything. I didn't want to see anything. I felt ... impotent.It wasn't a good feeling.Calm. Relax. Quiet. The words scorched through my brain, but they had no meaning. They were just sounds, noises I had once heard.Calm Relax. Quiet. The words held no power over me. There was no center for me to find because there was no me. I had finally lost it. I was no longer in charge of.
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