I would wake up in the night and punch the floor in anguish, homoerotic fear and shame… I killed him a thousand times over in my mind…. His form extinguished by the hood of my car raging into him outside of his jock club, the mma fighting club where I’d first gotten homoerotic thoughts about him. I held it back and back and back… until one day, I thrust my index finger into my rectum and imagined myself dominated by all those who had flaunted their large male members. Even then, though, my killing thoughts lingered. I swore when I went off to college I would come back and kill him in the evening hours, my trusty green car battering the life out of him as I spun my tires away back to Maryland, awaiting a call that my friend had been killed, by a stranger no less. But I didn’t. I stayed my killing hand. I turned my thoughts to homosexual images of buff, bulging men muscles, glittering in tan, surreal Apollo rooms, while I shut myself in my college dormroom. That night, that first. It always felt like heaven on earth)."Goodnight," she murmured, rolling off of me. I could tell she was about to fall asleep. I reached my arm over and stroked her back as she lay breathing next to me, feeling the softness of her skin beneath my fingertips."Goodnight," I whispered and then began to feel myself drifting off to sleep.The next morning, I awoke to find Natalie already out of bed and, come to find out, gone. Walking out into the kitchen, I found Ashley sipping a cup of coffee and reading the local newspaper."Morning," I yawned, scratching my messed up hair with my hand lazily."Good morning," Ashley said, not looking up from the paper. "They left around 6:00. It's an all day hike and they wanted to get back before dark tonight, in case you were wondering," Ashley said, finishing her sip."Oh. Ok. Well, where is that coffee pot? I think I need to connect that caffeine directly into my veins. It was so hard getting up this morning, that bed was incredibly comfortable. I think.
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