I thought I was going to puke, but somehow I held my stomach back and chewed up her nasty shit. I chewed it up like it was food and then swallowed it. I had a nasty taste in my mouth after I swallowed it and now my stomach was doing flip flops.Once I had that down, she got back over me and shit some more. Once my mouth was full, she stepped back to watch me chew and swallow. This went on for 3 more times until she was done. Then I had to lick her ass clean for her. She was laughing the whole time. I hated this little girl and I hoped she ended up being a fucking whore with diseases and a child.Once she stood up again, Beth said, “Ok whore, go to the toilet and rinse your mouth. If you need to puke do it then. I know that was nasty, but you must learn to do as you are told.”I said, “Thank you Mistress. If I puke can I flush the toilet and then rinse my mouth?”She said, “Yes you may. Once you are done go out and get your shower. If you have to piss do it then. If you need to shit, pull. ’ I don’t know why I do this. I get frustrated and I just want to come to you, get re-centered in my world, and get back on my feet. But I never come right out and say it. I don’t say: ‘I had a stupid, minor, entirely avoidable car accident and that – combined with being a full time single-dad – has got me feeling like I’m running on empty.’ For the life of me, I wish I knew how to say ‘I haven’t felt this down since Marlene died.’ I just repeat myself. ‘I’m such a fucking idiot.’ ‘Should I be drinking, too?’ You ask. That makes me smile for a moment. ‘Only if you want. I’m just. . . Before I had kids. . .’ That’s a sentence that’s going nowhere, so I try again. ‘I’m just having a week where it feels like every day is harder to get through than the day before.’ ‘Something happen?’ ‘No, it’s something with me.’ And then I talk. I tell you about the frustration of being on my own over a year with the kids and suddenly realizing I have no idea where the wound disinfectant is in my own.
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