"No... no... I don't hate them. I thought you had turned them against me though. You were really out in outer space and I had no idea what you told them but they seemed to think it was all my fault and I just said "fuck it" and quit bothering them." I never turned them against you. You were so angry they couldn't talk to you. You actually frightened Kirsten. She was afraid you were going to do something violent. And Beverly; she was so upset she forbid Rick from letting you talk to your grandchildren. That's how bad it was Geoff." Too fuckin' bad. I don't need their approval. Let 'em suck up to you." I spat."What is the matter with you? Are you going to live the rest of your life with all this hate for me bottled up inside of you? You won't live past sixty if you do. It'll eat you alive." she almost shouted at me.I looked in her eyes and for a second, I thought I could see a flicker of fear. Why did she care about me? She had flushed me away like a used tampon and now she was telling. They are in the kitchen, cooking methin a plastic tub from a toxic brew of pseudoephedrine pills, ammoniumnitrate fertilizer, lighter fluid, the guts of a few AA lithiumbatteries, lye, salt, and drain opener. The nauseating smell of achemical reaction permeates the apartment. My eyes are tearing, my noseand throat are parched and sore, and my senses are revolted. And I amafraid. They argue about the recipe, and as they cook, a football matchplays in the background. Suddenly, silence, except for the excited tonesof the television announcer. I know how dangerous it is to cook meth, and worry about who minding thepot while they are preoccupied with the match. I lurch up from the bedand put on cotton panties and a long Lakers T-shirt. I peek out of ourroom toward the kitchen. They are huddled around a television as the methmerrily boils, unwatched and out of control. The ladle vibrates in thepot, and I hasten to stir it, and avert the imminent explosion. Thekitchen is hot and putrid with.
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